Oy.


My head just fell off. You may feel a rant approaching. Hide the skewers and cleavers.

I was sent a recipe from someone who shall remain anonymous (but you know who you are!) for a very nice looking recipe with scallops and nectarines. It’s online and in a current food magazine. It looked okay at first. But there are a few things in this world that make me insane. And one of them is pretentious, annoying looking recipes. They don’t always appear this way. Often, at first glance, they’ll seem normal. Just like some people. But spend 30 seconds with the recipe (or even worse, the person), and you’ll know enough to run screaming in the other direction, warning the villagers to break out their torches and pitchforks because danger is coming!

This was one of those recipes. I should have known when two of the ingredients were fleur de sel and piment d'Espelette. No, you don’t have to run to your Funk and Wagnalls. Are you ready? They’re salt and chili powder. Well, okay. They’re sea salt, which you can find for $5.00 per ounce, and a zippy pepper found in the Basque region of southwest France. This little beauty can be yours for $10 per ounce, plus shipping.

Now, I’m all for supporting our European friends and small businesses. But I’m not overly in favor of spending a small fortune on obscure ingredients, like the piment d’Espelette. Hmmm. I wonder how long that sat in someone’s spice drawer after they made this recipe. Maybe, let me guess, FOREVER?

A subset of this expensive, obscure ingredient thing is about finding the stuff. When I wrote a food column, my #1 rule was that all ingredients had to be available in most, if not all, well-stocked supermarkets. Gee, I’d like to make this recipe tonight. Oops. Can’t. Have to go online to order the key ingredient.

When I was in cooking school, just before the internet was a gleam is Bill Gates’ eye, there was a Thanksgiving recipe in Parade magazine for a stuffing with Michigan bing cherries. They were the key ingredient in the stuffing, and were only available either by calling an 800 number, or embarking on a road trip to Michigan’s upper peninsula. This recipe was placed in almost every Sunday paper in North America. It was then that I vowed, on all that was good and edible, that I would NEVER do that in any published or taught recipe.

Then, the second insane thing came up on the recipe. The technique. The recipe calls for grilling 24 scallops. Hmmm, Maybe a suggestion for a grill basket or seafood grill-thingee? I can just imagine the poor folks who put the scallops on the grill, and try to turn them quickly. Oh, the humanity. Oh, the lost scallops.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and reassemble my head.

FISH!!!!!!!


I cooked for a new client yesterday. Actually, they’re a family with a brand new (still under warranty) 12 day old baby boy. Truly, there’s nothing more spectacular or eye-catching than an infant. Very cute. Hugely adorable. And I NEVER use the words cute and adorable. Well, certainly never in the same thought.

Anyway, one of the items I made today was a salmon cake. No, not the usual croquettes everyone’s mother made (would you eat something who’s name is a variation on “croak?”). Okay, so I liked them when I was growing up. But I did two things that makes these not your mom’s croquette. First, I didn’t use canned salmon. And in the interest of full disclosure, I really do like canned salmon. No, I boghut one pound of fresh salmon, and poached it. Yup, I simmered some water, white wine, onions, and peppercorns, and poached the fish for 9 minutes. Then I cooled it.

Then, instead of the mom-inspired croquette recipe, I used my crab cake recipe. Some Worcestershire. Some Tabasco. Scallions. And mustard. No grated potatoes. And no matzoh meal. Okay, maybe some bread crumbs. And they worked out well. The new parents loved them. So here’s the recipe. And if it looks familiar, that’s because I adapted it from Chris Schlesinger’s first cookbook, The Thrill of the Grill. Here it is:

Crab or Salmon Cakes


1# crabmeat or 1# Poached Salmon
1/2 cup bread crumbs
2 large eggs, slightly beaten
2 scallions, finely chopped
2 tablespoons mustard
7 dashes Tabasco
8 dashes Worcestershire Sauce
Salt and pepper to taste
3/4 cup cornmeal
1/4 cup Panko (Japanese breadcrumbs)
2 tablespoons olive oil

Combine all of the ingredients, except the cornmeal, Panko, and olive oil.

Shape the mixture into round patties, approximately 1 1/2” thick. Combine cornmeal and Panko, and roll crab cakes in cornmeal mixture.

In a large skillet, over a medium heat, add the olive oil. Sauté the crab cakes until golden colored, approximately 4-3 minutes per side.

Makes approximately 8-10 crab cakes, or 24-30 mini-crab cakes

Notes:

• You can use cooking spray instead of olive oil. You just need a light coating of oil in the pan
• If you don’t have Panko, just use the corn meal