This isn’t a food related thing. Well, it is if you’re Jed Clampett. Or his nephew, Jethro. And this is true. Really.

Karen and I were walking the dogs the other day. We were walking up the street when we heard this very loud, “CRACK!!!” It was one of those tree branch cracks, the kind that let you know something big and heavy is about to fall somewhere on or around your head. Before we or the dogs could react, we saw this squirrel fall from the trees, right in front of our eyes, and land with a loud, “SPLAT!!” This fat squirrel landed, round-stomach down, maybe five feet in front of us. Even the dogs were stunned.

And before the dogs (being the hunters-from-antiquity that they are) could react, the squirrel, who I was sure was quite deceased, looked at us and ran at record speed through the trees and into the woods. The dogs looked longingly at the one that got away.

So yes, it really happened. A squirrel with bad balance. And a culinary delight for Jed or Jethro. But not me.

The Slow (!) Cooker

As of today, the most popular movie in the land is, “I am Legend.” I’m living something similar. It’s called, “I am Stumped!” In the movie, Will Smith is a guy who’s the last man on earth. Except for some zombie-type folks. Me? I think I’m the last person ever to get a crock pot. And everyone knows how to use one except me.

Last summer, Karen, and my sister and mother, got me a crock pot thingee. Okay. It’s an All-Clad “electric slow cooker.” Yup. They’re right. Either it’s slow, or I am. So I finally got a round to using it. It’s not that I’m ungrateful. But a crock pot in summer seems a bit anti-social. So tonight, I did a crock pot recipe from a magazine. It looked easy enough. Chicken thighs, chicken stock, potatoes, butternut squash, fresh thyme, some honey, and a sliced-up orange. And the recipe called for two and a half hours in the crock pot, on high. Well, someone was high when they wrote that recipe…

After two hours, the chicken was still raw. The pot was warm, but nothing else was happening. So I made a fresh pizza, realizing that our dinner plans were going to drastically change.

And yes, everything did finally cook in the (very) slow cooker. It took five hours. FIVE HOURS? I can see a bit of time beyond the recipe’s two and a half hours. FIVE? Hmmm. I think I need to practice this a bit more.

I don’t’ know how Will Smith’s movie ends. But I do know it took a lot less time than my cooker. But the good news is that the food did come out just fine. I guess, given enough time…

I did a cooking lesson party the other night. Of all of the Chef Bill things that I do, these parties are among the most fun. And in this case, there were 22 women, all of whom work together, gathered in a colleague’s home to celebrate the season. And it was a blast. The menu was a simple one: three appetizers, followed by two paellas (one was a vegetarian version), and a finish with bananas Foster.

But the fun part is the questions that I get. That is, everything from my suggestions for cookware for the home (All Clad!!!) to my favorite knives, to fresh vs frozen crabmeat (go with fresh!). And it’s all in the comfort of their home.

But my favorite questions this week were for the paella. I had two requirements for dishes: no shellfish, and one had to be vegetarian. These are both contradictions to a traditional paella. So we did it anyway. And the reviews were great. The first paella had chicken, sausage, and salmon. The other had roasted vegetables, and chick peas. And since they both had saffron, the tastes were really good. And the questions ranged from farm-raised to wild-caught salmon (the farm raised holds up better while cooking, and remains moister) to rice types (Arborio, the same that’s used in risotto) to types of pans (if you don’t have a paella pan, go with something that’ll go from stovetop to the oven).

It was a great evening. And I’m looking forward to the other ones I have booked, too.

I did a Romantic Dinner for Two the other night for a couple in Ludlow, MA. The evening was a blast for me and the couple, Chip and Noel. It was their 14th wedding anniversary, and part of the fun was that Noel didn’t know about it until two minutes before she walked into her own kitchen.

And Chip and Noel did something that many people do when I do a dinner for them: they spend part of the evening in the kitchen, watching me cook, and asking questions. And it’s fun for me too, because I get to meet new people, and enjoy their company.

But I got to thinking about one of the menu items from the dinner. It’s one of the all-time comfort foods, it’s easy to make, and people often don’t think about making it. And it is (they are?) roasted potatoes. How easy are they to make? It goes like this:

Take some potatoes, preferably small, red bliss potatoes, and cut them into bite-sized pieces. How many potatoes? If you get the small ones, 2-3 pieces per person. Of course, this is after you set your oven to 400˚ (or 375˚ for a convection oven). Pour some olive oil (2-4 tablespoons) over the potatoes, and sprinkle on some salt and pepper (about 1/2 teaspoon of salt, 1/4 teaspoon of pepper). And roast away!

And for how long? The short answer is “until they’re done.” The longer answer is probably 35-50 minutes. The key is to set your oven timer for 10 minutes. And turn over the potatoes every 10 minutes to keep them from sticking and burning, as well as to help them brown evenly. Once they’re cooked to your liking, they’re done.

And no, you don’t have to wait for a Romantic Dinner for Two to serve them. Any time. Any place. And they’ll all be eaten.